Idea of Being in Love

My idea of being in love is that blissful feeling when one embraces one’s beloved drenched in rain with the subtle background music of violin playing from nowhere. Holding umbrellas in the rain with her. Sitting on the outskirts of the city, her head resting on the shoulder, letting the eyes wander aimlessly over the stars. Certainly not sitting on the sofa and eating silver quoted sweets questioning a perspective bride. The problem in India is most of us are living a real life but want our life to be like a Hindi movie where a common can fight a bunch of guys, dance with his girlfriend on the street. The same was the case with me as well. Throughout my teenage years, movies were my counselors on love. Like a typical Bollywood fan, I have been obsessed with the idea of true love being the 50 shades of pink. 

I had a huge fight with my girlfriend and it almost seems to be the end of our relationship. And sadly there was no music or dance sequence that would heal the wounds of a bitter quarrel and make everything happily ever after again. Everything seems so blurred. There was no clear path for me to go. Love and I have always shared some incongruity. You know what they say you will not get what you run behind desperately. After my relationship ended on a bitter note. I was broken down. But I had to move on with my life. Finally I had to do what I never intended to. I gritted my teeth and knocked on the door of my parent's home. When I grudgingly announced that I was ready for an arranged marriage à la Indian style, my parents were thrilled. Inevitably, my large extended family in all parts of India became involved in the match making process and I found myself with the extensive list of potential future wife (and a phone bills in four digits). My parents and I eventually narrowed the list down to seven girls whom we felt were compatible with. Out of seven that we visited, Swati was the one who piqued my interest. 

We went to meet her family. I was a bundle of nerve sitting in the drawing room, shaking my legs, since it was the first time for me to meet a girl in a compact room with our parents staring at us and hoping that we would like each other at the very instance just because our kundlis are matching. I was looking at the girl's father and gave a half smile. After passing 10 minutes of awkwardness, she  entered the room. I was struck by her smile and her gracious mannerisms.  Soon enough, our attendants seemed to fade into the background. Her features were magic like the one you read about in books .When she smiled it felt as though the flowers had new colors vibrant and fresh you could give them new names and when she laughed the music seemed to come from instruments not yet known to mankind and when those eyes caught mine, I forgot all the pain, the disappointments of my wretched life and all the tragedies of yesterday my heart stopped and cleansed itself and it felt as though for the very first time it learnt to beat again and your existence found purpose. 

All we did was to engage in some polite conversation. But what grabbed my attention was that we had some much things in common. Swati and I quietly connected. We found our self in hitting it off during our initial meeting, we expressed mutual interest in seeing each other again. Over the next two months, I found myself looking forward to our chaperoned dates, and eventually realizing that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Our parents were ecstatic when we told them of our decision, and we were married within 6 months.

Nothing is going to change

“We have decided to get married” She hushed this into my ears. My heart sank and she noticed it. "Nothing is going to change" she said but I knew from that point everything is going to change. Things were going to be so complicated for me. Till this point, my feeling for her has not surfaced. But suddenly I don’t know why it felt like 1000 arrows were pierced through my chest in a fraction of second when she announced the big news to our friend circle that they have decided to get married. Although it was obvious since they were in relationship for more than 4 years now.

We live in a story book. Each of us has story in it. Some story end on a happy note. But some of us are less fortunate could not complete their story. This is my love story. This is kind of love, it is cruelest kind, the one which almost kills its victims. It called one sided love affair. Most of the people fall in love with each other, but I have been cursed for being in love with a person which does not and will not love me back. I look at the past and I only see worst celebrations. Worst Birthdays, Worst Valentines, worst new years since they are accompanied by tears, pain and agony. I feel wounded, handicapped. The reason is I fell in love with one person, whom I should not have fell for. I violated the all the laws of social conduct. I felt like I am betraying someone when I fell in love. She is my best friend girlfriend.

I was introduced to her by my friend itself. That day is still fresh in my memory. I saw them coming towards me by the side of the road. The first thought that came to my mind was she is beautiful. And the second thought was what’s wrong with her. We had insane chemistry the moment we were introduced. I felt like we were tuned to the same frequency. When I got to know her, you know her want her to be included in your life more and more. Anyhow the friendship brewed nicely and we started hanging out a lot with her either alone or in a group. “Then bring the chocolate cake” We said it together. The discussion was going on what cake to bring for the New Year.
We used to say same thing at the same time. And then we used to look at each other and smile. We like the same food and same type of Clothes. Once she asked me to select few pictures of her and her bf and asked me to frame it. "I trust you" she said. She knew the pics that I will select will be almost the same that she will select. There has been instance where it had happened. I remember we were supposed to go for their pre wedding shoot. And we selected same poses from the internet. Odds of getting such a thing while searching the humongous internet is almost to zero but it did happened.

Before I knew, things started changing. My feelings for her became stronger but I always tried to tag it as friendship. I'm in quite a predicament right now. Thinking about her gives me goose bumps. My soul shines when I hear her voice. Only one face comes to my mind when I either listening to songs or any rom-com movie. I fell in love with everything she loved. I wish I could tell her how I feel about her. One should see my face when I am front of her. It shows all the shades of red, my throat thickens, I feel blurry sight, and brain will stop responding.

Every day after that announcement I thought I will never meet her. I will run away from her life but could not gather enough courage against the force that pulled me towards her. I don't think I will ever meet someone that could really be compared to her. I could see all sort of people and not matter who they are or what they say they cannot capture my attention quite the way she can. I could talk to all sorts of people and yet I will always find myself thinking about how they are not quite as charming as her or maybe they don't make me laugh quite as genuinely as her or whatever maybe the reason. I know people always say your first love is the person you compare everyone to, but maybe they compare it to your true love. So whenever I meet someone, I start comparing them with her and I have not found anyone as magnificent as her.

She thinks I am her best friend, a rival in competition and I am trying to gain victory over activities we do together but lesser does she know that I have already accepted my defeat because when I lose, I got to see her smile. Now the only thing important for me is her happiness.