Me wit my love

Me wit my love

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Holding Back

I closed my eyes and I was into another world. My mind started stravaiging wildly. I could not hear any outside sound. It was complete silence. And what was I thinking, nothing. My mind was absolutely void. I felt like my mind was in the deep ocean of darkness. Just diving into that ocean gave me a sense of tranquillity. I saw myself standing alone and suddenly I started running carelessly into that infinity, trying to find a destination. Bellowing. But there is no one to listen. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and the bellowing faded away and the office buzz came into reality. It was Nishi. She was waiting for me to go on lunch. “I am not hungry” I said. “I am seeing you like this from past 1 week”. “Seeing what? I am just busy working. This is lot of work to do in here” I defended. “Well you are not the only one on the office who is working”. She sighed and continued “Just because I have not accepted your proposal does not mean we cannot eat together. We can still be friends. Right?”. “I don’t wanna eat alright” I lost my temper. She turned back, held there for a second and left my cubicle. I knew she had tears. She returned to her cubicle. She did not go for the lunch either. Staring at my phone I sat there, thought of calling her and saying sorry but could not do it. It was just a white little box for me lying there asking me to pick up the receiver however it was not that easy for me. I looked at her. She was staring at the blank monitor and her tears were sliding through her cheeks. Being with her reminded me of every moment that I have spent with her and the fact that I cannot be with her made me go Ahrr. Actually it was not her fault. Neither was mine. I don’t know what went wrong between us. May be it was me who fall in love with her knowing the fact that she already has a boyfriend. Or it was her giving me signals unknowingly that she was into me. So what was it? Love? Infatuation? Yeah I was a kind of momentary attraction. I was so happy. Just her mere presence would give me goose bumps and my heart used to race. She used to look for pretext to touch me, stealing glance in the office. But now I try to run from her and she just want to be friends. I guess something drastically changed. Yeah reality happened. She realized it was all wrong and decided to be friends. Coming out of my thoughts I tried concentrating on work. I turned on my monitor and wrote a sorry email to her. That was least I could do. She did not reply. Afterwards I got busy into work. I lost the track of time. I looked at my watch after a while and it was time to go home. I tried searching for her but she was nowhere around. I sat in my cab and plugged in my headphones just to shut of my thoughts but I did not paid heed to what my iPod was play. I was just lost in her thoughts. The cab started moving. I looked outside the window. The sky had turned orange. The sun was playing hide and seek behind the large sky scrapers. I started thinking at some point you should realise you have done too much for her. Next thing left to do is to stop. Stop this endless drama. Leave her alone. Let her go. I have to draw a line between determination and desperation. If it’s meant to be, she will come back otherwise let it be. If it is not she will never come back no matter how much I try. There was no reason to her and stop my life. Life never stops, it goes on. I guess it was the verdict of my life as well. The show must go on. Thinking about it I slipped into sleep.

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